Into the Maelstrom
by Stahre
Summary: He has disrupted my life and created a domino effect. Things are changing, I am changing...based on the manga.
1. Drip, Drop

Title: Into the Maelstrom  
Author: ashengem  
Chapter 1: Drip, Drop  
Spoilers: Definitely Vol. 1 of the manga, as well as bits and pieces from later volumes. I don't have Vol. 5, so no spoilers from there.  
Warnings: If you have a problem with shonen-ai, you're in the wrong fandom.

Disclaimer: Gravitation is copyrighted to Maki Murakami. The English translation is copyrighted to Mixx Entertainment. No infringement is intended. Remarks in quotations are taken from the English manga translation.

Author's notes: This is a non-story. It has no real plot of its own. It strictly follows the manga sequence of events. I wrote this to fill in the blanks, more or less. We see most of the manga from the point of view of Shuichi. Often I wondered what Eiri was thinking when he said or did something. This is the result of these idle thoughts. Think of it as a diary entry written well after the fact, but not too far after the fact. Constructive criticism is always welcome.

* * *

_You shut your mouth.  
How can you say I go about things the wrong way?  
I am human and I need to be loved,  
Just like everybody else does._

_When you say it's gonna happen now,  
What exactly do you mean?  
See, I've already waited too long,  
And all my hope is gone.  
_"How Soon is Now", Love Spit Love

* * *

Who knew that random acts of criticism could lead to violent disruption in one's life? This insufferable brat has crashed into my life with the force of an atom bomb, and I'm left standing at Ground Zero, surrounded by nothing but the wreckage of my former life.

I refuse to accept that I've brought this on myself. I didn't do anything but read a bit of poetry and be overly critical. Yes, I admit it, I didn't mean what I said. I don't know why I said it either, except that I felt compelled. But this one action set off a course of events that wouldn't have happened otherwise.

I pick up a piece of paper fluttering on the ground, give a little bit of unsolicited advice. I didn't realize that it would lead to him throwing himself in front of my speeding car. It was raining. He was damn lucky I didn't kill him. Maybe I should have. He makes me feel too damn much.

What possessed me to take him back to my home that day, I'll never know. But bring him back I did. He did nothing but shiver all the way there. I'm still not even sure how he knew it was my car, if it was instinct or if he could actually see through both the rain and my slightly tinted windows. Unimportant, at any rate. There's just something about him that nags me, like a tug at the shirt sleeve by a petulant child.

I didn't let him stay long, but allowed him to dry off and vent about my seemingly rude criticism of his bubble-gum drivel. Not that it really was so horrible, but he was too proud of them for his own good. Not only that, I was having a bad night, and he just happened to be there to bear the brunt of my own frustration.

And, of course, being me, I left him with some more parting advice, "If you don't want to kill yourself, you should probably stay away from Mercedes SLEs and Saab Cabriolets. Because if you get in front of me again, I'll hit you and then back up over you for good measure."

I figured that would be the end of him, that I'd never see him again. I found him rather…unsettling. It was as if he stirred things better left untouched. I knew I did not want him around for any length of time. So imagine my surprise when he turned up on my doorstep a few days later.

Although, I can't say that this visit was a complete waste. Unbeknownst to him, he provided me with a guilt-free way to avoid dinner with my sister. When given the options of going to a concert at a popular night club or dining with my sister as she prattles on about familial obligations, a concert will win out every time; even if the lead singer is a loud, annoying, obnoxious, pink-haired teenager. Not only that, he's persistent. He knows what he wants, and I get the feeling he won't let up until he gets it. I like him.

So I went to his concert. And just as I suspected, he tried to make a song out of those insipid lyrics of his. They were still trite, though. I'm almost embarrassed to say I liked being there. I even, despite my misgivings, gave him a bit of encouragement. He ate it up. I left right after their set.

But no matter how quickly I left, it wasn't fast enough. I was spotted by the most unfortunate of characters, my dear brother-in-law, Toma Seguchi. I was caught. By the time I got home, my sister undoubtedly knew. She's so unbelievably manipulative, he doesn't even know that she's got him wrapped around her little finger. Which is perfect, because that son of a bitch is a shark. What I mean is, despite all his smiles and kind words, he'll slit your throat in the space between heart beats and you wouldn't even notice until half your blood had left your body. Never stand in his way. He will run over anyone, in some cases literally, to get what he wants or protect those he loves, namely my sister and I. Maybe Tatsuha, too, I don't know.

Maybe that's why I don't want Shuichi around. Any time I form an attachment to someone, Seguchi is there to destroy it, then tell me all the reasons why it wasn't good for me. Consequently, for the past years, no relationship I've ever had has lasted more than a week or two. Well, that's not the only reason, just one of the more important ones.

But back to what, rather who, I was talking about.

So, after the concert, my sister must have been pissed because she was at my home in the bat of an eyelash. Well, it wasn't quite that fast, but it felt like it.

She wanted to know about Shuichi. Who was he? Why was I at his concert? Why did I blow her off to attend it? Why did I lie to her? She annoys me. Doesn't she realize by now that I don't know why I do anything? I've been living moment to moment for so long now, I know no other way to live. If something strikes me, I do it. I don't have a reason, and I don't need one. But I didn't have to suffer through her questions for long, because salvation came in the form of a ringing doorbell. I pretended to ignore it because it would annoy the hell out of Mika. And in a fit of annoyance and frustration, she answered the door. And there was Shuichi.

Immediately, I saw my way out of this. I played it up. I've always been a good actor. I pretended that I had been waiting for him to arrive. I hadn't really, but I did suspect he'd show up. His timing was impeccable. It couldn't have been better if I'd planned it. Every excellent lie has just a touch of truth. She swallowed it. And for the third time, I let him in.

Third time's a charm, I suppose.

I knew the fool was in love with me. He reacts drastically to everything I say and do. I shouldn't have let him in. I didn't want to be important to anyone.

I don't know what came over me. But next I knew I had him against the wall. That kiss…it was more than just a kiss. I felt it with every fiber of my being. My hands wandered of their own volition. We came crashing to the floor. That jostled me out of my stupor.

I didn't lie when I said I knew where he was coming from. Love wasn't a completely alien concept to me. But I…I needed to think, and he was impairing me. I got him out as fast as I could. I needed to…I didn't know what I needed.

I set him up. It's my fault my sister used him to get me to Kyoto. I shouldn't have said he was more important than her. It was because of that, that she tracked him down. Her goal was to get him to convince me to go home. And she had the perfect carrot to dangle in front of him: her own husband, Toma Seguchi.

Those two are disgusting. Using each other and others for their own ends. Little did she know, she didn't need to use Seguchi. Without planning to, she gave him what he really wanted: an excuse to see me. Fool.

I have a massive amount of distrust of others. Everyone has an angle(1). I'm positive my words cut him, but I was acting out of my own feelings of betrayal and hurt. I was cruel, but I couldn't stop myself. I was surprised and only slightly relieved when he kissed me. I didn't push him away. Truthfully, I didn't want to. Tears sprang to his eyes because of my accusations. He yelled about how all he wanted to do was see me. Remember what I said, everyone has an angle. I called him a liar. He left, feeling obviously defeated, by the look of him. I felt unbelievably hurt by all of it. Why I felt so by him, I didn't know.

I was with Seguchi when Shuichi was supposed to give his demo tape to Mika. I was actually rather tense about it. It was as if everything rested upon this, like a turning point in my life. I was not to be disappointed. He turned her offer down. So the fool really was in love with me.

I hate Seguchi. He knows too much and he has this horrible way of making me open up to him without even trying. I spilled everything Shuichi said. "There's no way I can return his affection," is what I told Seguchi. And when I did, I felt a…sadness, deep below the surface. A dull ache, but nothing unbearable. Seguchi told me there was something I could do for Shuichi. I didn't know what he meant, but I knew I'd have plenty of time to think about it when I went to Kyoto.

Yes, I went. But only partly because of Shuichi. It was also so my sister would leave me alone for a while. I have a profound dislike for my father. We don't see eye to eye on many things. He sees my career as a writer as a distraction and a farce. He wants me to be a monk and run the temple after he's gone. Not interested. I'll leave that to my brother, the "good son", Tatsuha. Of course, my father was feeling a time crunch. He wanted, and arranged for, me to marry the daughter of another temple family. According to my sister, the girl was quite serious about it. I hadn't seen her since we were young. One would think that in this day and age, arranged marriages would be a thing of the past. It sounds like a plot from a third rate romance novel. Luckily, I never stay long. Kyoto makes me feel like a caged animal.

* * *

1. Taken from and inspired by the movie "White Christmas". Bob Wallis tells Betty Haynes that everyone has an angle after she tells him that her brother didn't write the letter he received and that it had really been her sister, Judy. She tells him that's a very cynical point of view. 


	2. Not Enough Sunshine, Too Much Rain

**Title:** Into the Maelstrom

**Author: **AshenGem

**Chapter 2: **Not Enough Sunshine, Too Much Rain

**Spoilers: **Up to Tankubon 3

**Disclaimer: **Gravitation is copyrighted to Maki Murakami. English text is copyrighted to Tokyopop Inc.

**Warnings: **Um, some language, adult situations, and something sort of citrus-scented. Hence the upped rating, for which I apologize. Also, let me state the obvious, this is shounen-ai.

**Author's Note: **I'm not real happy with some of this, I'm going to keep trying to tweak it. If anyone has some thoughts, please, feel free to let me know.

My visit to Kyoto was brought to an end by my editor, Mizuki, at eight AM, far too early for normal human beings. That boy had collapsed at her home and she had him sent to the hospital. Thought I'd want to know. I admit I was concerned about Shuichi. I didn't know why, though. My sister made quips regarding my relationship with my editor. "Sweet nothings", indeed. Yes, I've been around, I won't deny it. But I'm not so desperate that I need to sleep with my editor. I am neither that poor a writer nor do I so sorely lack for company.

I made quick work of leaving Kyoto. My sister bought the excuse of work. Good thing, too. I wouldn't know how to explain that I was going to see a sick "friend".

Friend is such a bizarre word. What does it mean, anyway? Some use it as a blanket term that applies to anyone they know. Others use it exclusively for close acquaintances. Still others us it as a term for a lover. I don't use the term "friend" lightly. It weighs too much. So what was Shuichi really? I didn't really know then. I guess, at the time, he was an interesting…distraction?

But I wanted to see him, make sure he was alright, breathing. So, when the hospital told me he wasn't there, panic clenched my stomach before I managed to ask where he was. Irrational fear of people dying when sick. Mizuki told me that it was probably nothing, that before he collapsed, he was fine, but a little tired. But my worry was unnecessary. Shuichi had been released. The nurse was kind enough to provide me with his address.

He was sleeping when I arrived. He looked serene and peaceful lying there, such a drastic contrast to the rambunctious, rash, and thoughtless behavior he had shown up to that point. I just…_stared _at him briefly. He was…beautiful, really. I then braced myself because I knew this peace would be shattered like glass the moment I woke him. I took a deep breath.

He was surprised to see me. In actuality, I was surprised I was there. I can't remember the last time I went to visit someone sick that wasn't family. I didn't understand my own actions. It was as if another person had taken control of me. I couldn't remember ever visiting a sick friend or lover. It was unnatural on my part. He asked me why I came to see him, and I answered honestly, that I was worried about him. People just don't collapse randomly like that. Well, I do, on occasion, but I have to be completely comfortable with my surroundings.

He was latched onto me, arms around my neck. And it seemed the most natural thing in the world to put my arms around him. It would have looked disgustingly sweet to any spectator. Luckily there weren't any to witness this uncharacteristic behavior. It felt...warm, and oddly comforting holding him to me that way.

When did I become someone who worried about others? This boy had _forced_ his way into my life! I've met him so few times, I could tick them off with one hand. His well-being was none of my concern. The very idea made me cringe internally. I tried not to think about it, and pushed it away from the surface of my mind. Deep down, where things were already becoming chaotic. I don't concern myself with others. My sister and her husband worry about me so much that I don't even have to do that. It's as close to a care-free life as one can get without being careless.

So how is it that I've managed to make him care for me? All the girls I've dated were interested in two things: money and sex. Me, the person, was of no importance. It often made me feel shallow and inconsequential if I thought about it. The question was nagging in my mind, so I asked him. I did my best to cover my shock when he said none of it mattered. "I can't help being in love"! Who _says_ that?

And there he was again, that other me that seems to inhabit my body. The one that does things I can't explain and don't understand. Unbidden want had taken over. I was on him in the space of a second. I vaguely registered that he was fighting back. But I heard him holler "stop" and I did. Rape, most definitely, is _not_ my style.

But I don't think I'll ever forget just exactly how his lips felt against my own; like something soft and expensive, like satin or velvet.

I came back to my senses quickly and pulled away. I was disturbed by my own behavior, and apparently, I wasn't the only one. Shuichi was crying and burying his face into the pillow. My nerves were shot, and my need for a cigarette was increasing by the nanosecond. Kid's worse than any chick I've ever met. Didn't know what he wanted. He was crying and yelling, called _me_ a rapist. Then, he admitted that he _enjoyed_ it; masochistic little freak.

Oh, who the hell am I trying to fool? I think after that little stint in Shuichi's room, I was just as confused as he was. My head hurt from all this. I had to know...I had to know why I suddenly..._liked_ having him around. I told him he could come by without making up excuses. I didn't want him jumping in front of my car again, nor did I want to hear made-up drivel. I got enough of that from my editor. "Just don't get any funny ideas. I'm not like you. I'm straight, okay," I told him. What a fucking joke that seems like now.

He collapsed. He'd been struggling to stay awake for several minutes, and he'd finally succumbed. He was back to that peaceful look from earlier. I just sat there, looking at him. I would stay until his mother came home. Just as well, I don't think I could have brought myself to leave just then, anyway. I think I was rooted to the spot.

After my visit with Shuichi, I realized I had little time before my deadline. I just kept writing as much and as fast as I could. I hadn't seen the inside of my eyelids for two straight days. I had finished writing what I needed, and was about to go to sleep when the doorbell rang. I knew who it was before I even opened the door. Shuichi. He looked for all the world like he'd survived a train wreck. His face was cut and bloodied, and a shiner was developing just below his eye. Despite the fact I was impossibly exhausted, I let him in. Like he said, he couldn't very well go home like that.

I made him sit down on the sofa while I got out the first aid kit. I couldn't tell you the last time it had been used. Some of the things in there hadn't even been opened. I pulled out the bandages and began fixing his face. He told me him and his friend Hiro had gotten in a fight. Well, from the look of it, they proved the adage true, it takes good friends to make a good fight. I wondered idly which one got the worst of it.

All bandaged up, I lit my cigarette and asked him if he wanted anything to drink. When he said no, I told him to tell me if he changed his mind and wanted anything. I even started a countdown. Yes, I was teasing him. I can be just as silly as the next guy when I want to be. But the truth is, I really did want to kiss him. I wanted to know what it would be like to feel his lips against mine without force. I wanted it to be his choice.

But, as soon as I kissed him, which was what he said he wanted, he burst into tears and launched himself on me, knocking me back against the armrest.

I listened as he sobbed out what happened. I mean, I actually _listened, _not just heard and pretended. It's not one of my more _advertised _skills, but I can, and, sometimes I do. But I try not to make it a habit. Hiro wasn't going to play guitar anymore because his parents wanted him to be successful. Shuichi was obviously tearing himself up about whatever it was he had said to him. His guitarist struck me as foolish. If he wanted to be a doctor, fine, more power to him. But if what he really wants to do is play guitar then he should just do it. Yes, sometimes it's hard to live with a disappointed parent, but there comes a time when one has to decide just whose life it really is. Is it mine, or my parents'?

Finally, my exhaustion overcame me and I passed out. I've done that on occasion, collapsed from lack of sleep. But I have to be very comfortable with my surroundings and feel safe around those that are with me. So why would I around Shuichi? Maybe I was getting used to him being around. But after such a short time? Maybe there was more to what was between Shuichi and myself than I was admitting. But I hadn't known him long. So what exactly was between us? Gravity was all I could come up with at the time, because the pull I felt towards him was about that strong.

When I awoke, my head hurt, and a nice knot had formed on my forehead. Shuichi was gone, but he must have put the blanket on me beforehand. I didn't know how he found one, but it was a nice gesture. The kind that gave one "a warm feeling in the cockles of your soul".

He dropped in on me the day after he graduated, after his meeting with Seguchi's dog-boy, Sakano.

He seemed upset about being offered a record deal. One would think, for someone whose dream is to play music for a living, he would've been more excited. For example, the way he did when he nearly stepped on Tatsuha's Nittle Grasper video just then. The only other person I've ever seen that crazy over Nittle Grasper merchandise is my brother. He's in love with Ryuichi Sakuma. I'm not a big fan myself, but there was no reason not to let him watch it, so I handed him the remote. I began to reconsider that as he started going on and on about Sakuma. I had figured he was Seguchi's fan, since he played synth. It shocked me when he said he aspired to be like him.

It was obvious he didn't know the first thing about Seguchi. Why anyone would aspire to be like that asshole was beyond me. But Seguchi always did put up a good front. And I guess that the outward Seguchi was a good person. But the one in the shadows…I felt I should warn him that Seguchi isn't all that he seems. But there are some people you just can't convince of anything. Unfortunately, I had no doubt he'd find out for himself in no time.

He was being spastic and it was beginning to irritate me. On the upside, at least it was him and not an act. Which, oddly enough, was, well, a turn-on. When everyone around you is so fake, it's refreshing to meet someone real. Shuichi doesn't have it in him to be anything other than what he is. A rarity, indeed.

At that moment, I could not help myself. I was overcome by that pull I felt toward him. I caught him by the jaw and kissed him. I wanted him. So I turned on the charm, intent on Shuichi seeing things my way. But he started to freak out on me. He asked me in a roundabout way for some sort of commitment.

Anyone else, and I would've brushed them off and kicked them out. Or I'd have come up with some sort of response that wasn't a yes, but didn't sound like a no. But I think I surprised myself more than him when I said I'd be his lover from then on. It's unlike me to be so direct and sure of commitments. It must have been that other me that was quickly becoming a handy excuse to myself. But how much of it was really this "other me" and how much of it was the real me?

He looked as confused as I felt, and slightly scared. Maybe I shouldn't have moved things quite so fast. Yes, I pressured him into it. But I did make sure my intentions were clear so there were no misunderstandings.

I pushed him backwards to the floor. He hit his head a little too hard on the floor, and he propped himself up on his elbows. I was bent over him, staring, studying. If he was so scared, just what the hell was it he wanted? Most days I still can't wrap my brain around it.

I decided to stop thinking about it. And once we were on the floor, it didn't take long for clothing to disappear from his slender frame. His skin was soft and smooth under my touch as I explored his body. Small gasps and soft moans escaped Shuichi's lips as let my fingers roam all over him. Each spot seemed more sensitive than the one before. As it's apparently well-known, I've been with many women, but I don't think I've ever heard anything as erotic as the sounds Shuichi made. I was patient, unusually so, especially considering that every time he made one of those little sounds, it made me just that much harder.

When my lips and tongue joined in this study of Shuichi, he cried out and gripped at the carpet. All I did was kiss his neck. I quickly decided that the floor was not going to be a good place to do this, so I stood up and led him to my bedroom.

Once we were in a more comfortable spot, my bed, I continued my ministrations. Each cry ripped from his throat was louder than the last as I kissed and licked a trail from his neck to his pelvis. His inexperience made itself apparent when I only _breathed_ on his cock, and he came with a savage yell of my name. And as he began to come down, I took him, perhaps a little too roughly.

Afterwards, he fell asleep, or so it appeared. I got up and took a quick shower. When I came back, he had wrapped himself up in the blankets and sheets on my bed. His eyes were shining, which meant if I didn't tread with caution, I'd be in tears up to my waist; and me without my waders.

He was acting like I'd committed some horrible act against him. I coolly reminded him that he never told me to stop. It takes two to tango, so to speak.

I didn't know then, and I don't know now, what to do to make him happy. I listed for him all the things I'd done up to that point to try. Then, because I was glutton for punishment, I took his face in my hands and asked him what else I could do to make him happy. I was at a complete loss. And when he yelled at the top of his lungs that he was happy, it rattled my nerves.

In my panic, agitation, and confusion, which all manifested as anger, I nearly toppled a dresser on him. I wouldn't, but I thought real hard about it. Then I yelled at him to get out.

Shuichi sets my nerves on edge, like if I relaxed at all, I'd find myself sitting on a chair of nails. Still, there was something about him I couldn't quite put my finger on then. Well, not so much him as the reason I reacted to him as I do. I was missing something crucial, something horribly important, that I absolutely needed to find, but couldn't. It left me feeling frustrated and empty.

A few days, nights, later, I went to the refrigerator for a beer and found that I was out. So I went out to pick up a six-pack of Bud and when I came home, I could hear yelling from inside my house. It _sounded_ like Shuichi and Tatsuha. And did I really hear Shuichi yell that he wasn't into guys? That made me snicker. That wasn't how he felt the day before. I had to know what exactly was going on in there. So I opened the door and the sight was too much...my brother was molesting my lover.

Why, oh why, do I associate people like those two?

Shuichi was quite obviously freaking out about Tatsuha's hands being all over him. I admit I was more than a little irritated, but I chose not to let it show. I'd get my brother back for it later. Besides, it was two in the morning and I was curious as to what had brought him here all the way from Kyoto.

I felt moderately possessive about Shuichi after that little scene. Yes, I'd shared girls with him in the past, but this was different. And I couldn't even explain _why_ it was different. He made some asinine comment about sharing men. Really not a problem for me. I have no interest in older men and Shuichi is mine, and I don't play well with others.

It kills me that my brother's a monk. I can't think of anything more ridiculous. However, one thing I can say about Tatsuha is that the superficial things that seem so important to everyone don't even register in his mind. Actually, my brother's probably an excellent monk. When I was young, Tatsuha was the only one who didn't care that I didn't look Japanese. Consequently, he quickly became an important friend. I told some of this to Shuichi. In the past, I wouldn't have done this, and if I had, I'd have been agitated about it. I didn't feel that way then. It seemed rather natural to share that with him. Even if it was just a little.

After gorging on cakes, I asked Tatsuha just what he was doing here. I nearly choked on my cake when he said he was looking for Ayaka Usami. Despite the fact I was getting used to Shuichi being around, I wasn't quite ready to share my unfortunate engagement with him.

I had no intentions of going through with it. I hoped Tatsuha had enough tact not to say exactly what her relationship to me was. But there was no need to worry. Shuichi screamed out that he'd seen her and went nuts. He spent the rest of the night trying to call Hiro. Apparently she was staying there after they had run into her at the park. Nice to know I'm so easily forgotten.

Shuichi needed to stop going through the park. He kept brining complications into my life. Wanted or unwanted.

A/N: The title for this chapter came from a song entitled "Swamp Thing", by the Chameleons.

Hecate18: Sorry for the wait, but, yeah, continued it is. And thank you for your kind words. Now, I get to start work on chapter 3.


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